Tuesday, January 23, 2018

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

"You go down on her...you're gonna be kissing the back of my head, cause I'm already gonna be there!"

Anybody with even a basic knowledge of "bad movies" knows what they are getting when they sit down to watch an Andy Sidaris joint: a ridiculous story filled with big guns, fat tits, exotic locations and goofy dialogue.  In other words...they're fucking awesome!!! 

This time around, the action is set in Hawaii (which truly is beautiful in this film), as some sexy female drug enforcement agents (who are working undercover as small cargo aircraft pilots) accidentally deliver a killer snake and then accidentally intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a local drug lord!  Talk about having a bad morning...better go get topless in the hot tub and think it over!

Somebody shooting a large killer snake from 5 feet away with a rocket launcher inside a house (!!!), numerous topless scenes, some truly cringeworthy dialogue, eye-melting 80's fashions, cool 80's electronics, a middle-aged skateboarder doing a drive-by while holding an inflatable sex doll, crossdressing, medium pace, Andy Sidaris acting, throwing star-fu, nunchaku-fu, ninja hand claw-fu, somebody "smoking some heavy doobies" and a guy getting murdered with a frisbee!

If frisbee murder didn't grab your attention, then I don't know what will.  HTTH isn't the best movie of all time (or even a good movie!), but in the right frame of mind, it can be a lot of fun.  So grab some heavy doobies and check it out.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

WHAT WE BECOME (2015)

Featuring all the excitement of a dry wet fart, WHAT WE BECOME is the snoozerific story of a quiet suburban neighborhood that is, at first, quarantined and then overrun by zombies.  That might sound exciting, but the pace of this underwhelming pigfucker is guaranteed to put all but the most easily amused movie watcher to sleep.  In fact, I'm getting sleepy just talking about it!  

[7 hours later]

Huh...ughhh, what the fuck happened?  Where are my clothes and why is my girlfriends finger in my butt?!  Guess I fell asleep.  Anyway, WHAT WE BECOME is a competently made film.  It looks good and the acting is passable, but the story is nothing!  We've seen this same type of slow-burn invasion story dozens of times before in everything from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS to DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and WHAT WE BECOME brings nothing new to the table.  At least MULBERRY STREET helped invent the word "ratpire"!

The best thing WWB has going for it is the short running time and the teenage son who was amusing to laugh at.  That kid was a dork!  It was fun trying to list all of his hobbies...smoking, gaming, girls, bowling, toy collecting, beginner level skateboarding (no tricks, just slowly rolling down the street), urban exploration, baseball, peeping tom, basketball, The Simpsons, reading, guitars, monster trucks, fireworks, etc.

Zero nudity, very little violence, forgettable characters, boring zombies, slow pace, predictable ending that sucked.  Watch it if you want, but I think you can find something better to do with your time.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

THE BAD BATCH (2016)

Imagine if you had an interesting visual concept for a 6-minute long music video and then stretched that concept out to 118 minutes.

Set in some kind of low-budget dystopian future, THE BAD BATCH opens with a pretty chick with a killer body, Arlen (Suki Waterhouse), being locked behind a huge fence in the desert.  She turns and wanders off into the wasteland.  Within a day, she's kidnapped by cannibals and sections of her right arm and right leg eaten.  Soon, the real horror starts when the cannibals start listening to Ace of Base!  Arlen can't take it anymore and escapes.  She eventually shows up in a town full of tweakers and dorks called Comfort.  From there on, more things happen, but honestly, I didn't give a shit.  The story was dumb as fuck, slow-moving and illogical.

The only thing I knew about TBB going into it was it was about cannibals and it started Keanu Reeves.  That sounds awesome!  In my handsome brain, I was visualizing BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE versus CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST.   That didn't happen.

Style over substance storytelling, very little dialogue, lots of music video-style photography, Jim Carrey showing up from some unknown reason, snail's pace, multiple things that brought to mind EL TOPO, zero nudity, very little violence, promising opening act, weak middle act and a lame as fuck ending.

Ms. Happyotter claimed to have "liked it", but yet she was still making fun of it.  I think she was just being nice. If you need me, I'll be in my room playing Borderlands 2.