AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

Fucking awful.  A priest confronts Satan at the Amityville house, which then, for some reason, blasts off into outer space.  Fast-forward to the year 3015 and a spaceship that is cruising around looking for “rogue black holes in space” comes across the Amityville Mojo Dojo Casa House still fully intact just leisurely floating around.  Three crew members board the mysterious house and find the priest alive and well.  Shit happens and I got more and more depressed that I was watching this Satanic bowel movement.

Slow pace, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, non-acting that bordered on people just reciting lines, beyond shit special effects, shit sets, the voice of the evil character so garbled that I could barely understand anything he said, zero cheerleaders, zero ninjas, a house supposedly floating in deep space in the year 3015 but you can see cars driving by outside the window, horrid lighting, disappointing ending, crap story.

Honestly, outside of making fun of this with your friends, there is no reason that you should watch this turd.  AMITYVILLE IN SPACE is not the worst thing ever made, but there are so many better things you can do with your time.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

OMEN III: THE FINAL CONFLICT (1981)

After the impressive first Omen film and the even more enjoyable second film, the people behind the Omen series decide to pour unholy goat piss all over the entire thing by releasing a severely disappointing third and “final” installment.

As our lackluster story begins, Damien Thorn is now an adult and fully committed to being an evil butthole. For example: he has a life-size replica of Jesus Christ in his house that he talks shit to.  Doesn’t get much more evel, I mean, evil than that!  So anyway, while Damien is going around preparing to take over the World, the Jesus lovers find 7 super badass knives that are the only thing in the Universe that can kill the Antichrist.  Naturally, they send out some weakass nerds, who couldn’t beat up Benji the Hunted, to assassinate Damien. Boredom ensues.

The idea of the antichrist is one of the coolest things about Christianity and in the proper hands it could be the basis for thousands of awesome stories.  Unfortunately, THE FINAL CONFLICT isn’t one of those stories.  Sam Neill does give a good performance as Damien Thorn, but he doesn’t have anything to work with.  The story is beyond boring.  Honestly, I want to see more stories about Damien in high school!

Slow pace, zero nudity, minor blood, zero gore, zero tension, zero cool deaths, the word "Mephistophticles" not even used once, average acting, extremely disappointing ending.  Omen 3 is worth watching if you’ve already seen the first two films in the series and are a completionist.  Other than that, just skip this Satanic turkey and never look back.

Part 1 - The Omen (1976)
Part 2 - Damien: Omen II (1978)
Part 4 - Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)
Remake 1 - The Omen (2006)
Prequel - The First Omen (2024)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND (1993)

A wannabe investigative reporter (Ally Sheedy), who has the intelligence of a pine cone and the visual observation skills of a blind mole-rat, illegally breaks into a genetic research facility to see what’s poppin’ up n dat bish. Turns out the scientists are creating the ultimate guard dog that has the most ultimate traits of all the most ultimate critters. Including, but not limited to, the camouflaging skills of a chameleon, the tree climbing skills of a jaguar, the biting power of a ratpire, the rabid psychosis of an overweight early 2000’s pre-dawn Black Friday shopper and the acidic urine of a Wookalar. Naturally, she takes this bloodthirsty killing machine home. The evil scientist (Lance Henriksen) who created the killer beast wants his puppy back. Aww.

For a low-budget, early 1990’s killer dog movie, MAN’S BEST FRIEND is alright and definitely watchable, but there isn’t enough happening to keep the viewer fully invested. First off, the large corporation tracking down the killer dog is literally just Lance Henriksen! No secondary dogs or evil henchmen. Nope. Just ol’ Lance and his goofy, ill-fitted jacket. Secondly, the killer dog is an asshole. I can’t root for a psychotic dog who kills an innocent cat and a caged bird. Not to mention, he rapes another dog. It’d be one thing if he was going around killing various criminals and evil scientists, but he’s murdering innocent people just trying to live their lives. Thirdly, Ally Sheedy’s character is just so weak and dumb. She’s the anti-Ellen Ripley. The vast majority of the deaths and bad things that happen in the film are a result of her bad decisions.

Annoying kids, medium pace, zero nudity, zero gore, a little blood, suspected animal cruelty that pissed me off (that cat did not look happy in that one scene), early 1990's technology, disappointing ending, average acting, average cast. With some tweaks to the script, MAN’S BEST FRIEND could have been awesome, but instead it will mainly be remembered as the film Craig’s dad was watching in FRIDAY. “It’s your ass, Mr. Postman!”